endless nights took on my whole life

cover of my new polaroid book.






a selected page.

the others are nude but more revealing and i don't know the rules about LJ and being naked. but contact me if you would like to purchase one. i'm not sure how much. i might have a deal if you by both of my books. or i might not sell this one. it is for people who are interested in art - if you are interested in seeing me naked and being a creep don't even ask me.

phase 1: remove everything from my walls (and for those of you who have never seen my bedroom - they were covered. mostly with my photography)

phase 2: nail up white sheets to all of the walls.

phase 3: put on pink satin sheets (covered with a white blanket)

phase 4: remove everything except old suitcases/nightstand record player, book shelf/tree stand and window seet bureau.

phase 5: i am not sure.

but it is beginning to look very creepy and very awesome.

i did the photo shoot i talked about before. i wasn't as scared as i thought i was going to be. i haven't developed the film or printed any yet this is one sarah took for me so i could see how it would look. i don't think i could have done it without sarah being there for me. so now when i think about being tied up in the woods i will think about sarah releasing the ropes, hugging me and setting me free (free from my past).

is it bad that all i want to do is drink a bottle of vodka. an easily accessabile- chilling in my fridge- bottle of vodka. i have to drive 5 hours in a few minutes and my eyes are swollen from crying all night. and my stomach is turning from trying not to vomit. and everything is falling apart again. i can't smoke or drink when i go home. i'm not sure exactly who i am lying to. leaving all my vices here - all my happiness as well. only one vice is left, one vice locked up in a draw in MA. and i fucking hate it. i fucking hate thinking this way. if only i didn't wake up today. if only i could sleep through vacation, so i wouldn't have to deal with these people, deal with these feelings. deal with being alone with myself for three days. fuck.

so i have been having terrible nightmares for the past two + weeks and i'm not really sure why. i haven't had ningtmares in years. but about a week ago i had a nightmare that reminded me of something that happened to me when i was in highschool. i have been talking to a few people about it - i had never told anyone about it before. i forgot about it for a while- but it's back.

so anyways,

i use to hang out with really terrible guys, fistfights and what not. one night they called me and said everyone was dressing up slutty for halloween, so i showed up in platforms, a short-(really short)-skirt and a slutty tanktop and noone else was dressed like this at all. the they told me they were making a movie -(not a porno. don't worry). i ended up realizing that this movie was about how they were obsessed with me, and angry because i would never do anything with them. so they decided to make a movie about it and have me die... well they ended up taking me into the woods (late at night) and tying my hands behind my back and blindfolding me, and leaving me laying on the ground for probably an hour. and it was so fucked up, and i was so scared - i have never been so scared in my life.

well i am done with guys like that, i don't know why i can't get it out of my head.

so i decided i am going to turn it into a "positive?" so for my photography assignment of doing a self portrait i am going to tie myself up, blindfolded, nude in the woods. because i will control it, and noone has control over my body anymore except for me. and i am hoping it will be a cathartic-exorcism. although, the thought of it kind of makes me want to vomit. i am really scared about doing it, but sarah is going to help me. and i just feel like it is something i have to do for myself.

  

  


i love this girl more than the universe.

i'm falling down everyday it seems.
doing things i swore i would never do.
if the evidence is in my body, rather than on it,
does it make it ok?

the idea of the gown looms over my head
shaking. clutching my thighs.
is this the time they notice?
is this the time they lock me up?

getting drunk and mad, refusing to talk.
did he steal my money again?
hanging another baby in the shed.
how can they be the ones to judge me?



i need someone to be there with me.
someone to hold my hands.

your collarbone is jutting out
& the light is playing
off your arms
your looking into my eyes
as my body moves
in time
with the beating (beauty)
of your rhythms.


i can feel your vibrations in my stomach
and i slap my chest to jump start my heart,
to be in time with your guitar
and i think how jealous i was
when you played vibrations on her belly.
and how jealousy is horrible, especially
when sitting outside, near a lake -
beating a drum, as sage is burning
& free dumpster chocolate is being eaten.


what happened to these days?

in your eyes - glass beads fall to the sand
forming a mosaic of cigarette lighters.

who will teach us to read the sky for rain,
will we obey?